Building Self-Esteem and Self-Worth, One Small Step at a Time
Building Self-Esteem and Self-Worth, One Small Step at a Time
By Laura Kietell, DQCS
Licensed Clinical Social Worker | Owner, Thrive Counseling Services
One of the things I hear often as a therapist is some version of, “I don’t like myself.”
Sometimes people believe they need to figure out exactly why they have low self-esteem before they can do anything about it. Or they think they need to be in therapy before they can begin changing how they feel about themselves.
Therapy can certainly help. But there are also things you can start doing on your own, today.
First, it helps to understand that self-esteem and self-worth aren’t exactly the same thing.
Self-esteem tends to be connected to how we evaluate ourselves. Am I good at my job? Am I a good parent? Am I attractive? Am I successful? Do other people like me?
Self-worth goes deeper. It is the belief that I have value simply because I am a human being.
That means your worth doesn’t disappear because you made a mistake. It doesn’t go down because someone doesn’t like you. It isn’t determined by your weight, your bank account, your relationship status, your productivity, your education, or whether somebody else seems to have their life together better than you do.
So how do you begin building it?
We say things to ourselves that we would never say to another person.
“I’m so stupid.”
“I can’t do anything right.”
“Nobody wants me around.”
“I’m a failure.”
When those thoughts have been around long enough, we stop recognizing them as thoughts and start treating them as facts.
Start noticing them.
You don’t have to replace every negative thought with something overly positive that you don’t believe. If “I’m amazing!” makes your brain immediately respond, “No, you’re not,” it probably isn’t going to help much.
Instead, try moving toward something more accurate.
“I made a mistake. I’m learning, and it doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”
“I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to. I can do something differently next time.”
“This is hard for me, but hard doesn’t mean impossible.”
The goal isn’t to lie to yourself. The goal is to stop being unnecessarily cruel to yourself. It’s about not being your own bully.
Keep Small Promises to Yourself
Self-esteem isn’t built only through thinking differently. It’s also built through experience.
If you continually tell yourself you’re going to do something and then don’t do it, eventually you stop trusting yourself.
So start small.
Not, “I’m going to completely change my life starting Monday.”
Try, “I’m going to take a ten-minute walk today.”
Or, “I’m going to make the phone call I’ve been avoiding.”
Or even, “I’m going to put the laundry away before I go to bed.”
Then do it.
Every time you keep a reasonable promise to yourself, you’re giving your brain evidence: I can count on me.
Stop Using Other People as Your Measuring Stick
There will always be someone who has more money, a nicer house, a different body, more friends, a better job, a cleaner kitchen, or pictures on social media that make it look like they have all of those things.
Comparing your real life to someone else’s highlight reel is a game you’re probably going to lose. It’s an unfair comparison.
A much more useful comparison is:
Am I doing a little better than I used to?
That’s enough.
Do Things You’re Proud of—Even When Nobody Notices
A lot of people accidentally hand their self-esteem over to other people.
If someone compliments us, we’re okay.
If someone criticizes us, we’re terrible.
If someone texts back, we’re wanted.
If they don’t, something must be wrong with us.
When our value depends on other people’s reactions, we’re giving them an enormous amount of power. In psychology, we talk about this as an external locus of control—looking outside of ourselves to determine how we feel about ourselves.
Start noticing the things you respect about yourself.
Maybe you showed kindness when nobody would have known if you hadn’t.
Maybe you got up and went to work when you really didn’t feel like it.
Maybe you apologized.
Maybe you set a boundary.
Maybe you tried something that scared you.
Maybe you got through a really difficult day.
Those things count even if nobody applauds. When you begin deciding for yourself what matters, recognizing your own efforts, and giving yourself credit, you’re moving toward a more internal locus of control.
Learn to Accept Compliments
This sounds ridiculously simple. For some people, it is ridiculously difficult.
Someone says, “You did a great job.”
And we immediately respond:
“Oh, it wasn’t a big deal.”
“I just got lucky.”
“Anybody could have done it.”
Stop arguing with people who say something nice about you.
You don’t have to agree with them yet.
Just say, “Thank you.”
That’s it.
Spend Less Time With People Who Require You to Feel Small
Some relationships consistently leave us feeling worse about ourselves.
Healthy relationships don’t require you to constantly prove your worth, earn affection, tolerate disrespect, or make yourself smaller so somebody else can feel bigger.
You don’t necessarily have to dramatically remove everyone from your life. Sometimes the first step is simply noticing how you feel around different people and deciding where you want to put your time and energy.
Boundaries are part of self-worth.
They say, “My needs matter, too.”
Do Something You’re Not Good At
Yes, really.
Low self-esteem often creates a strange trap: “I don’t want to try because I might fail, and failing would prove there’s something wrong with me.”
Try anyway.
Learn something. Make something. Attempt something new. Be a beginner.
Being bad at something is not a character flaw.
Sometimes confidence comes after we do the scary thing, not before.
Take Care of Yourself Like You’re Someone Worth Taking Care Of
Self-care isn’t always bubble baths, massages, vacations, or buying yourself something.
Sometimes self-care is going to bed.
Taking your medication.
Eating something nutritious.
Making the appointment.
Cleaning your space.
Saying no.
Going outside.
Paying the bill you’ve been avoiding.
Asking for help.
Taking care of yourself sends an important message to your brain:
I matter enough to care for.
Keep a Little Evidence
Our brains are surprisingly good at remembering our failures and conveniently forgetting our successes.
Start keeping evidence.
Write down things you handled well, compliments you received, problems you solved, things you finished, times you were brave, and moments when you did something differently than you would have in the past.
A great exercise is to do this right before bedtime. Jot down three things that were positive about your day, no matter how small or insignificant you think they were.
They don’t have to be huge accomplishments.
You’re building a record that says, “This is also who I am.”
Read it when your brain insists otherwise.
And Give Yourself Some Time
You didn’t develop your beliefs about yourself overnight, and you’re probably not going to change them overnight either.
That’s okay.
Self-worth isn’t a destination where one day you wake up and announce, “Great! I officially love myself now.”
It’s something you practice.
Some days you’ll do it better than others.
The important part is beginning to treat yourself as though you have value—even on the days when you don’t completely believe it yet.
And here’s another place to start: learn to like yourself.
Even a small part of yourself. Then build on that.
People often run from the idea of “loving yourself.” It can feel too big, too uncomfortable, or simply unbelievable when you don’t particularly like yourself right now.
So don’t start there.
Work toward liking yourself.
Because you don’t have to earn the right to matter.
You already do.
And if doing this on your own feels overwhelming, or you find that your beliefs about yourself are tied to trauma, depression, anxiety, abuse, or experiences that are difficult to work through alone, that’s where therapy can be helpful.
But you don’t have to wait for a therapy appointment to begin.
You can start building a different relationship with yourself today.
Building Self-Esteem & Self-Worth – A Self-Help Worksheet
About the Author
Laura Kietell, MSW, LCSW, DQCS, is the owner of Thrive Counseling Services in Cheyenne, Wyoming. She works with individuals and couples across the lifespan and provides clinical supervision for therapists working toward independent licensure. Her approach emphasizes steady, grounded care and creating a space where clients can slow down, feel understood, and make meaningful changes.
